🤝 New Country, New Friends

The Art of Making and Maintaining Adult Friendships Abroad

After making four moves across two continents, I’ve become somewhat of an expert at making new friends. Like housework, it’s unpaid but rewarding labor. Research show that people with close social bonds live longer, healthier lives.

However, friendships, like your home’s cleanliness, are in a constant state of change. Sometimes your house is sparkling clean and and ready for company and sometimes it’s a disorganized and dusty disaster zone. Not all relationships are meant to last—some evolve while others ebb, end, and explode.

Anyone who’s invested time and energy into relationships but has little or nothing to show for it might flinch at the “friendship is essential for health and happiness” platitude. Hearing science say you’d be better off with what you don’t have isn’t a great feeling and if this is you, I don’t mean to make a difficult situation worse. We don’t talk enough about how hard it is to lose friends—it can literally hurt as much or more than a romantic relationship rupture.

Making friends at any age can be difficult, especially if you’re an adult living abroad. Here’s my experience—I hope it makes you feel less lonely and more equipped to make more social connections.

Adult Friendship 101

It Ends With Us

My crash course in making adult friends began when I got divorced. In the weeks before everything was finalized, my therapist said: “You’ll be surprised who sticks with you and who disappears.” She was right. Suddenly, I was piecing together a new support system while navigating awkward reunions with mutual friends that hinged on one question: “Hey, are we cool?”

Despite the magnitude of those losses, making new friends was a refreshing change. Where sarcasm once reigned, sincerity and inclusivity took its place. Living in Eugene for 15 years helped; I rekindled old bonds, shared meals with neighbors, hiked with coworkers, danced out grief, and reconnected with my yoga community. I lived alone but never felt lonely—when I wasn’t with people, I was cherishing my solo time.

Trading Tofu for BBQ

Moving from Eugene to Memphis meant leaving my rich the tapestry of friends behind. Friendship with them felt like wearing a pair of lululemon leggings: beautiful, built to last, and with enough high-waisted compression to feel cozy and comfortable. Thankfully, Memphians also love athleisure and hospitality and warmly welcomed me with their buttery-soft friendliness, kombucha starters, and BBQ.

Through a part-time job and consistently going to yoga studios, I slowly built a circle of friends. Our connections grew during the pandemic through socially-distanced yoga mats and cloth masks (back when we thought a double layer of of loosely woven fabric with adjustable ear loops would protect us). We made up for our lack of in-person time with long text threads devoted to yoga teaching and Taylor Swift.

Se Habla Español

Then I moved to Madrid, and making friends took on a new dimension: speaking Spanish. I knew a few people in the city from a 2019 stint, mostly from… you guessed it! A yoga studio.

Spain has a huge social advantage in that meeting up with friends is woven into the cultural fabric. When Spaniards say “Let’s go have a coffee,” they actually mean it and follow through. Most people walk or use public transit, making planned and spontaneous meetups easier get to. Kids often tag along and entertain themselves, eliminating the need for childcare.

In contrast, American social life is often deprioritized in favor of driving from home, work, activities, and school pickups. We're masters of enthusiastic invitations—"We should definitely hang out!"—but turning those good intentions into actual plans requires a lot of coordination. If a hang out is planned with kids, picking a “family friendly” restaurant is required. In Spain, more often than not, kids are welcome to come along.

Hey I’m Home! (Kind Of)

The final test came when my permanent residency application was stuck in the Spanish consulate in San Francisco, requiring a six month move back to my hometown in Hood River, Oregon, three hours away from my Eugene crew.

Once again I started from scratch—yoga, fitness classes, and consistency worked their quiet magic. Remarkably, people invested in friendship even knowing I was only there for a while. On the flip side, I was ghosted by a close friend who suddenly went silent, canceled plans, and never responded to my texts and emails when I moved back to Madrid.

Five Tips for Making Adult Friends Abroad

Those who plank together stay together | Photo by Photo by Simona Roubkova

Making new friends and keeping the old is more than just a children’s song. The friends we meet in every stage become bridges to other cultures and anchors in our lives.

Here are five tips to that have worked well for me in making and maintaining

1. Join a group and go consistently.

Regular in-person meetups are key. My go-to is workout classes, but the possibilities are endless. Going consistently increases the likelihood of you striking up a conversation with someone, or vice versa.

2. Connect in proximity.

Whether it’s classmates, neighbors, or the supermarket cheese lady who calls you bonita (beautiful), proximity matters. Not every interaction will lead to lasting friendship—but each one is a stitch in the social fabric that will help you feel connected, socially and linguistically.

3. Mix your languages.

I initially avoided English-speaking meetups in Spain, clinging to immersion. Eventually, I realized that full self-expression is vital and that it was more important for me to make friends, no matter what languages they speak.

4. Adjust expectations.

Adult friendship requires more effort than it did when we were kids. Schedules fill up, language skills are still developing, and interactions might be shorter or less frequent. None of this is a sign of failure—it's just life. Keep showing up.

A language-learning note: While trying to make friends second language, I’ve faced the dilemma of wanting to be a good friend, but being limited by my language skills. Just this week, a Spanish friend shared about her pregnancy complications and I didn’t want to make her repeat everything. When listening comprehension fails me during important moments like this one, I ask clarifying questions and offer supportive phrases, like "That sounds really difficult" or "I'm sorry that happened. How are you feeling now?" This usually results in more talking, helping me piece together the second time.

A long-term living abroad note: Many foreigners, myself included, shy away from interacting with native speakers, thinking, "Won’t it too hard to be friends with me?" People will hang out with you if they want to. If they don’t, they won’t.

A short-term living abroad note: Know that some people may not be interested in investing in a friendship with a proximity expiration date (also known as a flight back home). But don't pre-reject yourself. Let them decide if they want to sustain a friendship with you.

5. Nurture existing friendships

Online meetups work well for staying in touch—I still Zoom monthly with friends from a training I attended almost a decade ago.

Honor the friends who make their best effort to keep in touch, whatever form that takes. Maybe your college roommate can only manage a voice note every few months, or your former colleague sends random memes when they think of you. These aren't lesser friendships—they're friendships adapted to real life.

The people who care enough to maintain connection across distance, time zones, and life's competing demands are likely in it for the long-distance long haul.

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❓Question for you: Have you ever moved somewhere and struggled to make friends? Do you have a friendship maintenance tip? Share your take in the comments or leave a heart if you liked this post.

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⏮️ Last Week

I wrote about my favorite face in Madrid—here it is in case you missed it:

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